Water, Fat, Protein, Lactose, and Minerals
by Gummysaur
Summary: [Oneshot] Al challenges Ed to the gallon of milk challenge. This ought to be fun.


**I have hit rock bottom. I am tired and bored and I came up with this crappy idea and now I'm writing it. 8'D Enjoy!**

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><p>"Brother! Hey, Brother!"<p>

"What the hell is it, Al?! I'm researching!"

Ed shut the book closed and got up, walking towards the small kitchen where he heard his brother's voice. Al was standing at the end of the kitchen table with a smirk (if suits of armor can smirk) on his face. A gallon of milk was in front of him.

"Ugh, where'd you get that?" Ed grunted, giving it a suspicious look.

"I need to ask you a question," Al announced.

"Uh-huh."

"Will you do the gallon of milk challenge?!"

Ed paused. "The what?"

"You have to drink a whole gallon of milk in less than an hour without throwing up." Al shoved the milk his way, and the bottle stopped right in front of Ed. He went pale as the offending liquid in front of him.

"What? Hell n-"

"Well, I understand if you're too _scared _to, considering you always turn down the challenges Winry tries to make you do," Al interrupted with a shrug. Ed froze.

"How do you know about that?!" he snapped, thinking back to the amount of times Winry had begged him to try the cinnamon or salt/ice challenge. Al just shrugged again, and Ed could picture him grinning and raising an eyebrow.

"Shut up," he mumbled, grabbing the handle of the jug. He looked up and Al was holding a video recorder. "Where the hell did you get that?!"

"The challenge starts when you open the cap," Al called, his voice shaking with suppressed laughter.

"I'm going to wipe off your blood seal with milk when I'm done with this," Ed grumbled under his breath, and popped off the top. Al flipped open Ed's pocketwatch-again, where the hell did he get that?-and glanced down at it, checking exactly what time it was. Ed raised the gallon to his lips and stared at the liquid.

It smelled awful.

"I swear, if this is expired, I'm going to transmute your body into a block of iron."

"Time is ticking, brother."

Ed shot a glare at Al and raised the jug to his lips again, then promptly put it down.

"Fuck. I'm not doing this."

"Language, Brother."

"THIS CHALLENGE IS DUMB AS FUCK!" Ed yelled loudly enough to wake the neighbors.

Al glanced at the pocketwatch and back at Ed.

And then Ed froze.

He suddenly had a violent flashback of Al's malnourished body, sitting in front of the gate with a lost look in his eyes, every rib visible. He suddenly felt sick, and not at the idea of the milk in front of him.

_What if it's my fault his body is so weak? Because I don't drink this…cow piss?_

Ed gripped the handle on the jug again, lifted it to his lips and only hesitated for a second before drinking. Al whooped and fell into maniacal laughter. Ed kept chugging it until he absolutely had to come up for air, nearly throwing up all over the table, causing Al to fall off his chair from amusement.

"You're actually doing it! You're actually drinking it!"

"Shut the hell-ugh…"

"Come on, brother, you're barely halfway!"

"I still have like fifty minutes left, right?!" Ed spluttered, wiping his mouth. "God, that tastes so bad. Ugh. It tastes so goddamn _bad _Al. How do people like this?!" Al was still in the middle of his laughing fit. Ed scowled at him.

"Can I at least put some chocolate syrup in it?" he asked pathetically. "At least it wont taste so bad."

"That-ruins the-purpose, Brother!" Al sputtered out through his giggles.

"Like I said. I'm transmuting your sorry ass into something ridiculous later."

Ed picked up the jug again and closed his eyes. He pictured it as its most basic base elements. _A pH of 6.7, 87% water, 4 percent fat, 3.4 percent protein, 4.8 percent lactose, point-eight percent minerals…Water, 35 liters. Carbon, 20 kilograms. Ammon—wait, what the hell?! This is something else entirely! _

"Brother."

"Wha—sorry."

_Dammit, now I'm thinking of Al's body in the gate again…_

He drank more of the milk, Al laughed at him, he cursed. He zoned out, Al jolted him back to reality, and the cycle repeated. Over and over, until finally he realized the jug was done.

"Hh—it's over?"

"Yeah! Now you just have to not throw up for an hour."

"Oh. Great. I'm going to go lie down."

"Are you alright, Brother?"

"I just fucking drank a gallon of milk, I will never be alright ever again." Ed turned around and walked off to his room, flopping on the bed. He realized he still had the empty jug of milk in his hand.

"Listen," he started. He didn't know where he was going with this, but he rolled with it. "I just drank you. Whole damn thing. So, for one, screw you. And two, don't give me a single molecule of calcium, you hear? Give every single last bit of it to Alphonse. Or else I will personally smash your ass." Ed threw the jug at the wall, buried his head in his pillow, and kept the milk down for the rest of the hour.


End file.
